Pieces of My Heart, Part 4

She is a month old today!  Man, where did the month go?  At what point does she not be called a "newborn" anymore?  Well, she will always be my Newest Born to me.  My Sweet Chica.

I am going to try to wrap up this birth story here.  It won't be easy.  A month's time has past and "New Mommy" brain has officially taken over.  Things are a bit fuzzy here and there but let me try..........

I woke up at 3 a.m. with contractions.  Not "OMG contractions!" but enough to wake me and keep waking me throughout the rest of the morning.   I woke up at 5 a.m. and called the maternity ward to see if we were still ok to come in,  or if we were getting bumped because they were too busy.  She said we could come in but to wait an hour more.  I couldn't go back to sleep at this point for I knew it was going to be my daughter's birthday.  Scared, excited, anxious, emotional.  You name the emotion and I had it that morning.

We walked into the hospital not knowing how the day would play out.  I knew my platelet count the day before was 103 and wasn't sure if I was going to be able to have an epidural as an option for pain management.  We checked in and got settled.  It was nice to see such familiar faces of the nurses who we had gotten to know over the last 3 years from our other 2 children's births.  They were all so amazing that day and I can't be more thankful for how much they put me at ease. 

They took more blood right off the bat to do another platelet count.  They hooked me up to the monitors and low and behold I was still having those contractions!  Every 8 minutes!  This girl was making her own birthday and not letting someone pick it for her.  The nurses joked that they thought I just needed a "sniff of pitocin" to get things going and boy, were they right!  I was relieved at this because I felt the time was just right.  They got the IV started and then my blood work came back.  Platelets were now at 95.  @#%$#%!!  I was so afraid of what that would mean.  My doc was in the OR and we were kinda waiting on him to set up a game plan before they started the Pitocin.  A couple hours later he still hadn't come in to see me yet so a mid-wife checked me and she said that I was still at about 2 cm and 75% or so effaced.  Same as what I came in being.   She thought we should just go ahead with the Pitocin and let the doc know to come in and talk to me as soon as he was available.  I agreed and they started the drip at 10:30 a.m.    I was dying to know what the doc thought about the platelets now being below the 100 number cut-off for the epi.    I knew either way I had to be strong.  As the contractions grew, I went further into myself and focused on a positive outcome.  I had to keep my eye on the prize. 


The doc finally came in checked me and I was still about the same so he broke my water.  I used music, acupressure points, aromatherapy and breathe to get through and I was doing great if I do say so myself.  My husband  left the hospital to let our dogs out and grab lunch since I had only been on the pitocin for about a half hour or so.  By the time he got back I could no longer talk through contractions.  It took all my focus to relax and let the body do what it needed to do.  Pain with a purpose I kept saying to myself.  And yes, I was still chanting "Clear Eyes, Full heart, Can't Lose!"  It helped.  I finally got the ok for the epidural whenever I wanted one.   They figured that with the cut-off being at 100 and I was at 95, given my history that I was below 100 2 times in the past they would allow it.  I had to basically agree that I was aware that I could die or have serious complications because of this and believe it or not I said yes.  Seems weird to me now that I would agree to such a thing but I thought that if I was ok twice before I would be ok again.  It was always tricky for me to decide when  to ask for one.  You can't ask too soon and you don't want to miss your window of opportunity so to speak. 

At 1:00 the nurses switched out for lunch and at this point I was thinking I may need to ask for the epidural soon.  She checked me again and I was 6-7 cm and there was only a bit of cervix left.  I know if was time to ask.  20 minutes later I was getting the epidural and I was in SOOOO much pain while I was getting it I was kicking myself for not getting it sooner.  I did manage to make jokes after a contraction though about "singing" a song to the anesthesiologist.  It was more of a song of "OOOOOOOOOOOh OOOOOOOOh AAAAAAW AAAAAAAAAAAw OOOOOOOOOOh!"  I said after that, "how did you like that song?" which cracked up everyone in the room which was the nurses, my husband, my mother and sister.  My team of support.  For some reason this time around I didn't want to do much hand holding like I hand done in the past.  I preferred  to squeeze the bed-rail and not have anyone touch me.  Not sure the difference with this one but maybe it was because I know this my MY time and MY labor and I could and would do this. 

In the short time that is took to put the epidural in my back  and the nurses telling me to lay down on my back to spread the medicine around my body, things went into high gear!  As I was laying back I needed to push!  Like NOW!!  Right now!!!!

I remember the nurses saying to wait for the doc and not to push.  They said he would be here in 30 seconds and I know I through some nasty looks around the room.  Perhaps directed at my husband.  Not sure what he did to deserve that but he did get me pregnant!  It was his fault.

I screamed "I am pushing"  and "what do I do" and those now mean nurses said not to push and to breath threw it,  The doc arrived and said he wanted to see me push once.  I pushed and everyone saw the baby coming out!  He QUICKLY got on his scrubs.  I pushed 3 times and she was here.  Thank God she was here. 1:42 p.m.

Joy. Relief.  Love.  

Then another miracle happened.  My placenta delivered on it's own.  So, I kind of had this baby naturally.  Sort of.  The epidural never had time to start working and yet, I survived. And I do think with or without induction, she was having a birthday.  I did it!  We did it.

After she was born and placed on my chest she stayed there all day.  The nurses never took her away to do APGAR scores that I can recall,  they never swooped her away to be cleaned up or measured or weighed.  They just let us be.  I think they knew this was a special moment for us.  One not to be disturbed.  One to be cherished.  It was only much later in they day I found that she weighed 7 pounds and 6 ounces and it wasn't until late that night after she went into the nursery to be cleaned up, that I found her height was 19 1/2".    The stats didn't matter.  Scores didn't matter.  She mattered and always will.

The Mirena did not come out and is still in me.....somewhere.  The plan is to see the doc in a few weeks and schedule surgery to remove it.  More on that later.  My blood counts should go back to normal range soon if they haven't already. 

All the worry about her is over.  

Right now let me get back to swooning over this new love of mine.

Prayers answered...........even the ones I didn't know I had prayed for.......another child. 

Thank you for her.

Love,
Mama Nic

Time is A'Tickin and I Just Wanted to Say Thank You

I started this blog partly for selfish reasons.  I needed an outlet, a way to vent, to be accountable, to find hope.  I also started this blog because when I found myself pregnant on the Mirena (iud),  I searched and searched on the internet and felt like in this big big world I was alone in this situation.  Or so it seemed.  I dug around on the internet to try to find someone....anyone who went through this.  How did it happen, how did it turn out, what can I expect, how do they feel, are their babies healthy, are they ok?  So many questions and unfortunately, I didn't find the answers I was looking for.  I am sure I AM NOT the only one in this situation but I guess nobody wanted to share their experience.  I think sharing is important and if I can help another Mama to be feel like she is NOT alone and that she CAN do this, I have done my job.

I don't have a crystal ball.  I don't have any way to know how this story will all turn out.  It is risky I know,  telling you all my personal thoughts and private medical issues but it just seems that sharing has been healing for me.

I wanted to officially thank you......and you.....and you.  YOU have gotten me through these last nine months, even if you didn't know that is what you where doing.  It was and I thank you.

I have found such hope in other Mommy Blogs and I need to share with you these links.

Warning:  Clicking these links may change your point of view on your own life.  They sure did for me.

Momastery
Enjoying the Small Things
I Will Carry You
Rage Against The Mini Van
This Little Miggy Stayed Home
With A Little Moxie

My list goes on but here are some special highlights.

I have also found the community on Baby Center to be very supportive and it was on there that I actually found ONE Mama to document her journey being pregnant on the Mriena and delivered a healthy baby at 37 weeks.  It was no easy journey for her either and knowing she made it through gives me hope.

To readers and people I don't know who follow along......I thank you too.  For your comments, for the likes on Facebook when I post my blog, to the people I work with (even though I have been out of work for going on 10 weeks now!), for my friends, and family and husband and two little kiddos that I am so lucky to have as my own.......Readers in countries like Pakistan, Russia, Germany, Norway, Latvia and so many more.  I can see that you are reading and I am amazed!  You have all done your part to get me here.  To get us here.

I had my 38 week appointment today.  Things with me (besides the low platelets and mirena that is somewhere in my body) are good.  Things with the baby are good.  I  had blood drawn today and my platelet number has fallen to 104.  I see my hematologist tomorrow afternoon.  The doc today said that things are pretty much hinging on the platelet number.  If the results came back in an acceptable range then he would not tempt fate anymore and most likely induce me next week.  If the results showed my level was too low, most likely I would be put on steroids to pump up the level and then induce me right away when the number picked up.  Since the number is 104, right on the border of being ok....or not ok...I have no idea what they will decide.  I can say that it is very probable that I will have this baby one way or another within a weeks time.

So.  As I said, time is a'tickin and I needed to formally and officially thank all of you for being here for me.

Love,
Mama Nic

Handmade Gifts For The Girl!

I loooooove handmade gifts!  To my delight we have our 1st one here for baby girl than I am tickled pink about.  I feel like a crazy person talking about crocheted sweaters today since the temp outside is a blistering 90 degrees and I am sweating just typing this.  But I had to play show an tell with this today.

Our dear family friend, Joanne made this little number for us as she has done for the other 2 kiddos.  She even made the white blanket that is shown here too.

these booties kill me

so soft and pretty

what a precious set! 

Here is the crocheted wonderland that she has created for us!  We sooooo appreciate all the time and love she put into each and every one of these pieces!  True talent here too!!!  I feel lucky to have her think of us not once,  but 3 times!  Actually she made 6 sweaters and one blanket in total.....all gorgeous and we get lots a wear out of them. 

Take  a look.

We Heart you Joanne!!!  Thank you SO SO much.

I also bought a little crocheted something, something on Etsy that I could not resist but I can't show you yet.  That reveal is for later when I have a real model!

I would just like to threw out a few random thoughts and feelings I have at the moment. 

I am sooooooooo hungry lately it is absolutely ridiculous.

The baby has really dropped really low.....really low.

If anything falls on the floor in my house don't expect me to pick it up until the end of July or so.  Just sayin! 

If you live in my house PLEASE pick things up that are on the ground and don't belong there.  No matter your age here........I am talking to you....and you....and you too!  Help a Mama out. 

Doc appointment this week showed baby has adequate fluid around her.  Hooray!

I  have started to dilate and cervix has softened!  Progress is being made.

Baby sounded good, I checked out good except for those damn platelets being too low.

Doc is seeing me at the beginning of next week again.  We will go appointment to appointment with no set plan right now on how/when to treat low platelet situation, induction, etc.  I hate that.

From a Mama who loves the heat, did I mention that I am sweating just typing this?  Yeah.  I think I did.  Well I still am.

This heat is making me delirous.  Time to drink some water and find a fan.

Love,

Mama Nic at 36 weeks and 2 days, who is getting bigger and bigger by the minute

My Watchtower

When you are a Mother or an expecting Mother, you are constantly on guard.  You look out for your child, you look ahead to make sure they are on the right path, you look out for dangers or problems coming up so you can tackle them before they get too big.  You are in a watchtower for the rest of your life.  I don’t mind this job at all, in fact the more years that go by of being a Mother the more confident I have become.  I have learned that you need to listen to that little voice in your head, that feeling of something is just off and react.  No matter how small it is…….please listen and respond.  I have learned this over and over with my kids on anything from a tugging at the ear that was an ear infection when they showed no other signs and people thought you were being silly even wasting your time at the doctor.  To listening to your newborn baby cry every night and nurse inconsolably and all the other little signs that lead my to realize something is not right,  only to find out that she has an acid reflux problem and with the correct medication was a happy baby. 

I am telling you this because I want to remind you how important you are as an advocate and protector of your children.  And also to have faith and confidence in yourself that you know what to do. 

I have had to bring both my kids to the doctor and E.R. in the last couple weeks.  I made the call enough is enough and brought them in.  My son had Pneumonia and my daughter had Serum Sickness.   Click here, about serum sickness, if you want to read what that is all about.  It is an adverse reaction to an antibiotic she was on.    I don’t have the energy to write about it and I sincerely hope that you don’t ever have to deal with this issue with your child.  It is horrendous. 

I started my Monday morning with a call from the doctor.  She had the results of my tests for Gestational Diabetes and for Anemia.  Good news is I don’t have either of them.  Bad news is that my platelet count is low.  I had to head off to the lab again for a bigger round of blood work and liver function testing and am scheduled with a Hematologist for later in the week.  She didn’t really have too much information for me on the phone except to say that the normal range is 150-400.  My numbers at the beginning of this pregnancy were 150 and they are now 111.  A number of reasons could be the cause and this will need further testing.  She also mentioned that if my number remain low I will not be able to get an epidural.  Besides the scare that when you platelets are low you have trouble clotting or healing, this is horrible news given the history of my last two births, the placenta did not deliver naturally and they had to manually extract it.  The pain of that is beyond words and one of my biggest fears.  With my son,  the epidural worked only on half my body and the pain was so intense I seriously thought I would die.  The birth was nothing compared to that.  And it was no easy one either having to use a vacuum to get him out.  With my daughter’s birth,  I was aware that this could happen again and when the 1^st epidural didn’t really take, I had them try again and that was exactly what prevented me from feeling the horrible pain of pulling the placenta from my body again. 

I was super angry yesterday.  Not fearful but mad.  How much can one person take?  As if my pregnancy wasn’t complicated enough already…..now this!  Come on!  And then after being angry I got scared. 

Today is a new day.  I am going to push that anger and fear aside and move forward.  I will have faith that my platelet number will go up, have faith that my health care providers with do what is best for me and just like, Bob says “ Every little thing………is gonna be alright!”  And also on the bright side of things, when I was in my watchtower looking out for this new baby I  mentioned to the doc about my extreme thirst.  This  caused her to do  the Diabetes test a month earlier that normal is what brought us to find this out.  So that little thing that you know is not right and you think “aw it is nothing”………….please don’t ignore it.  Speak up.  For some reason or another it is a sign.  We found this out a month ahead and will have a month more of getting those numbers back up where they need to be. 

My Mother is going with me to the appointment on Thursday.  She is still up in her watchtower for me and I totally appreciate that.

“Don’t worry.  About a thing.  Every little thing….is  gonna be alright.”