A Tiny Reminder

Putting clothes away in my daughter's closet, I came across a newborn sized diaper.  Not sure why I hung onto one, but I think I liked the reminder of how small she started out .  Fresh and new and oh so tiny.  I  picked it up and held it to my chest for a moment.  Thoughts of a new little boy or girl to join our little tribe (although it won't be so little anymore), excited me.  Remembering that new baby smell, teeny hands and feet, rose petal soft skin to endlessly kiss throughout day and night.......heavenly.

I still have days when this unexpected pregnancy scares me and makes me doubt my ability to do this all again right now.  But that fierce Mother-bear feeling takes over and I know things will be ok.  Everyone needs a tiny reminder once in a while.  They can come in many forms. Pay attention and you just may learn something, even from a diaper.

Oh My Heart

I heard my baby's heartbeat today.

That was pretty much the importance of my day.  I let everything just fall away...the stress, the morning sickness, the worry of what's ahead.

I just listened.  whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh

That is the most beautiful sound in the world.  New life.  Music to my ears.

Surrender to the Timing

***sorry, long post warning!  All posts will NOT be this in depth but I need fill you in on my background.  So settle in with that cup of coffee and buckle up.  This is the beginning of our journey.***

Commuting to work this morning the radio was on and I hear a woman say “You just have to surrender to the timing.”  I have no idea what she was talking about or to whom she was speaking,   but I immediately burst into tears. 

My automatic reaction was “I am trying!” 

I     AM     TRYING!!!

How do I catch you up to speed on how I got to this point? (an emotional, hormonal mess in my car,  trying her BEST to roll with life’s BIG curve ball that has been thrown)

Let’s just jump right in to a little “Tell me about yourself,”  and hopefully this will all make sense to you very soon.

Let me breeze right by the first thirty-some-odd years for now and get right to meeting the love of my life  and starting a family of our own.

Here is the cliff note version.

We meet, fall madly in love, marry, I get pregnant with our 1^st child about 7 months after that. 

We begin the process of making  our one story home into two story.   

I am working full-time this whole time with an hour commute to and from work, he works for a Labor Union so his job and schedule are constantly changing. 

Baby #1 is born.   It’s a boy!  Problems in the birth and  in the afterbirth but healthy baby.  Phew.  BIG phew. 

Long recovery from birth. Maternity leave for 3 months and then off to work I go.

When our son is born our house wasn’t ready for a baby to come home to with all the construction going on. 

I move in with my folks for a couple months.  Very stressful time and hard to be away from Hubby but he is working his behind off getting our house ready for us.   

Baby and I move home.   Joy!

Things are seeming pretty “easy” now with baby approaching his 1^st Birthday and we talk about having another baby.

I get pregnant right away!  Pretty much on out son’s 1^st Birthday.

Pregnancy with this one is a worry.  Nuchal translucency screening comes back and shows there is a chance baby will have down syndrome. 

I cry for 3 days and then decide to snap of it.  I researched  and prepared myself for whatever number of chromosomes this child will be born with.  I have to say, I grow so much as a person and am more sympathetic, compassionate and in awe really of people born with down syndrome and who have family members who have the magic number of chromosomes as well.  I donate to Reece’s Rainbow every year and constantly think of adopting all those orphans.  If only I could…………..

More worry with pregnancy as time goes on.  I measure small and end up being induced due to low amniotic fluid.

Baby # 2 arrives. Birth goes ok but problems with afterbirth again but healthy baby girl.  Small but HEALTHY.  I can breathe once again.

Now we have 2 children under 2 years old and things are anything but easy.  Joyful still, but easy no.

Our boxer dog starts her anxiety issues and things with her get really bad.  Stress builds in the house.  So does constant barking and stress, and sleep deprivation.

Oh yeah, did I mention now the downstairs of the house is under remodel and we added a mudroom and a fence around the yard (to keep the crazy dog in) and a play area for kiddos?  Hubby is doing this work himself.

Baby has acid reflux issues and a case of thrush (or at least they thought it was thrush) for months and months.

We decide that the Mirena (IUD) is a good choice of birth control for me.  It is supposed to be 99.9% effective and no worries for 5 years.  Just put it in and forget about it.  We shall not speak of babies for another 4-5 years and at that point we will decide IF another is right for us.

3 month maternity leave and back to work I go……sound familiar.

Reality of working full-time and having 2 babies sets in and things are tough.  We manage but we realize we have our hands full.

I start to have some time to myself and begin to sew baby dresses.  1^st for my daughter and then for other people and that grew into an Etsy site, My Sweet Marmalade.

I realize that I LOVE sewing and would love to be able to support our family based on being creative.

I start daydreaming of relocating somewhere warmer.  Hubby and I LOVE warm weather and we dream together of where we can go, what we can do.   Oh the possibilities…….

I start to think of a career change and how I can cut down to part-time and concentrate on growing my own business.

I start feeling REALLY tired. Nauseous.  For Weeks.  My sense of smell goes into overdrive and I JUST KNOW!

I must be pregnant.

But you can’t get pregnant on the Mirena.

Finally I took a test and confirm what I already knew.

It was positive.