Thursday, January 26, 2012

One Step forward, Two Steps Back

Here I am in week 15 of my pregnancy.  Physically, I am feeling better.  The morning sickness is finally subsiding.  My sinus infection is clearing.  I have a bit more energy that I have had lately.  This is great!  But I have to say…emotionally, I am a mess. 

I hate to sound all down in the dumps but ya know what?  I am.  I am being perfectly honest here and telling you that I am feeling pretty low, depressed, anxious, frustrated.  I can’t see how my life will be playing out in the next year.   I worry about what having the Mirena in my uterine wall will do to the baby I am carrying or to me.  To be perfectly frank……I am scared to death. 

I have an endless list of worry and problems that I mull over every day and night without making any progress.  I am told over and over “not to worry” and “things will work out OK” and "don’t stress” but I am a planner by nature and I have lost my plan.

I don’t think it helps that I know I am living in the wrong place on this big earth.  I HATE being cold and I could do without icy roads and big snow storms.  I don’t mind the seasons,  in fact I love the change but I don’t like the winter season being soooo long and harsh.  Maybe somewhere in the Carolina’s might suit me better where they have gentle seasons.  I love the heat.  Love it.   Maybe the gulf coast of Florida?  I even entertain Southern Cali, Arizona or New Mexico and of course somewhere nestled away in the Caribbean.   The cold just makes me freeze up.  Literally, when I am cold I am unmotivated and downright grumpy.  I can’t stand it.  The hotter the better and bring on the sun!!!  I want to be outside year-round and be comfortable.  Sorry to ramble but this time of year here in New England maybe a big contributor to me feeling a bit like poor ole Eeyore.

Photo from my honeymoon in my dream place, St. John.  This sun paradise is so tranquil it is magical!

Since I will be having three kids 3 and under I can't help  think of daycare.  The cost of daycare for three children is astronomical.  It’s so outrageous that if I did work full-time and send them to daycare I would be about breaking even.  That blows my mind!  So what to do?  I am not going to do that.  My current job gives me an hour commute to and from work and they have already said that they are unwilling to let me switch to part-time.  So I basically feel, on top of all this..I am going to be out of a job.  And the time is ticking closer and closer and the panic is setting in.  I need to make money to pay the bills and my husband’s job alone would not support us.  So I think the answer is finding a part-time job.

I wish I could start working less hours now.  Don't we all, I guess.  But I was feeling overwhelmed making it all work with the family and being outside the house 50 hours a week for work before I got pregnant.  I am not saying I want to check-out but I want to have more time to be a Mom and a wife and work on things that are near and dear to me, like sewing and writing.  I am a hard-worker and once I start a project I am passionate about, well watch out.  I just want that passion again.  I don't want to feel like everyday is such a struggle.  I am not by any means asking for something for nothing.

I would love to be paid for writing a blog perhaps…this blog or have some sponsors for my blog.  I would love to sew more and have my Etsy shop, My Sweet Marmalade  flourish. I would love to create lovely things and sell wholesale to boutiques and shops across the U.S.  I would love to come across an opportunity that would work out for me right now.  Something that would make it all click.

A row of my Reversible Pinafores

I am asking the Universe, I am asking you, the reader, I am throwing this all out there because I am hoping for some kind of answer.  A hint, a direction, support……..something.  Maybe you write a blog and have sponsors and can give me tips on how to get started getting sponsors and making some money.  Maybe you know of some way that a Mama can work from home and make some money and not get scammed.  Maybe you have a shop and want to carry my goods wholesale.  Maybe you just have an encouraging word besides, “don’t stress.”  Just maybe by putting this out there I will get what I want.  I know it may be a long shot but desperate times, desperate measures.  I know writing it helps me process my thoughts and that is one right step in the right direction.

Hello Universe……are you listening?  It’s me, Mama Nic.
I need a shove in the right direction.
Be gentle though. 
Don’t really shove me……I am pregnant and all.  

On second thought.  
Right now, I would even be happy with a whisper of a breeze to lead me on the right path.

Thanks for listening.


  1. I wish I had connections for you- access to sponsors- but I don't even know how to go about doing that for my own blog. Have you explored any of the freelance networks, Guru, Mediabistro, etc? I'm not sure what your area of interest or expertise is, but I was able to make my first break in illustrating through Guru. You can open an account for free- and that allows for 10 free bids. Or you can pay by month, quarter or year to have unlimited access and bids on projects. There are various skill categories: Illustrating, Graphic Design, Sales and Marketing, IT, Finance and Accounting, etc. It's often hit or miss. But my husband was able to support us for five years on the freelance IT work he received from his Guru connections. I wish I had a better answer for you.

    I feel for you, your worry, your uncertainty, your struggle. I would never tell you not to stress- that's just stupid. Of course you will stress- because you care, because you are a good mother, because it does help you prepare even when the situations seems beyond your control. Hang in there, Mama! Just know that you are not alone.

  2. Thanks so much for taking the time to make suggestions for me and for your encouraging words! You have no idea what that means to me. I have my homework cut out for me researching and brainstorming that is for sure. I have a degree in Fashion Merchandising and have had previous jobs in Visual Merchandising, Styling, Buying, Retail and Customer Service. I have also worked as a florist for a couple of years. Whatever I do, if I am not being creative then I am not happy. Sewing has been my outlet lately since my full time day job has been Customer Service for the last 6 years. There has to be an answer out there for what I can do……a balancing act of work and family…..of being creative and being able to make money to support the family while doing it. I just have to find that something that fits for me at this stage in my life. I believe I will. Thanks again.